ER'sB !

ER'sB GUEST POET CORNER: MICHELLE OBAMA

 

 

 

PRAY FOR MY BARACK (by Michelle Obama)

Pray for my Barack
He's so much more than talk
Midterm elections, progessive reflections
on MTV he'll rock!

Pray for my dear Barry
and give your vote to Harry
and Ms. Pelosi is not Bella Lugosi
so do not fear or be wary!

Think of how our country
has done evil things in its history
Try to be proud, and say out loud
For once I'm proud of this country!

Pray for us progressives
we don't want to get aggressive
with you and yours
but we will, and more
we need to look impressive!

Reflect on how stupid you all are
if you think that Palin is a star
and read far less or we'll smash the press
and you and feathers and black tar!

Pray for our affluence
to not would be imprudence
Me and Barry and our banker Larry
must be richer than all of you'uns!

So pray for my Barack
In November a liberal lock
Beat teabagger cancer, or we'll call in the panthers
and with night sticks you'all they'll "mock!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

MANIC DEPRESSIVE AFGHAN PRESIDENT KARZAI CONFIRMS HE'S LYING AND DOUBLE DEALING AGAIN, AND DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHO KNOWS HE'S OFF HIS MEDS

 

 

 

 

October 12, 2010

 

(KABUL) Attempting to make it look somewhat like he's advancing his nation's peace progress with insurgents while boldly stringing the United States along for as long as possible, all in order to save his own neck whilst making his corupt family ever richer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said unofficial negotiations with the Taliban have been taking place and hopes the formation of a peace council will further those efforts.

 

 

He made his statements at the same time that he was vacuuming the press room, balancing his personal budget, washing the windows, fixing an electrical outlet, planning a meeting, programming his TIVO, doing a crossword, dictating his memoirs, and doing push ups.

 

"You see I'm lying, and I'm lying, and I'm all powerful. I can fly. I'm off my meds and I don't give a shit that you know. Now, pay me, pay me, pay me, or kiss your fuel trucks at the border bye bye, okay? Why are you all looking at me like that? Is something wrong?" said Karzai (photo courtesy of Allahu Akbar!!! Media)

 

"We have been talking to the Taliban as countryman to countryman, talk in that manner. Of course you all know it's bullshit. I can walk through walls, want to see? Actually I don't feel like it right now you goddamned sonofabitch traitors!!! Did you see that picture of cigar guy from Ryder Cup? Wasn't that hilarious? We are Moslems here, the best of peoples. You have no choice but to deal with me. I can swim and breathe under water. So what I'm double dealing with America and the Taliban, I will live forever," Karzai told ER'sB.

 

 

"It's not like I have a regular official contact with the Taliban with a fixed address, but rather unofficial personal contacts have been going on for quite some time. What you don't know is that I tell them one thing and the U.S. government something else. I once wrestled a bear, and right now you really have to pay me, or something bad might happen again with your fuel trucks, infidels.

I love everybody in the world!" the Afghan President shouted, before turning and running face first into a concrete wall, knocking himself out.

 

 

WITH ALMOST NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME, OBAMA ATTACKS LITTLE OLD LADIES WITH WALKERS WHO "AREN'T MOVING FORWARD FAST ENOUGH"

  

  

"Faster, faster!!"

President Obama is at it again, this time scolding Democratic octogenarians in the pages of AARP Magazine:

[I]f old people, especially these little old ladies with walkers now want to take their balls of yarn and very slowly go home instead of starting out right this minute for their local polling locations, that tells me these elderly folks weren't serious in the first place...The idea that we've got a lack of enthusiasm in our retirement homes and hospices, that these ancient Americans are sitting in their wheelchairs and complaining, is just irresponsible. These people are slow in more ways than one, and they need to get some pep in their step for the Democratic party and head out now, because it'll take them a month to get to those polling locations in time to vote in the mid-terms. As I see it, they're just not moving forward fast enough.

 

When people scratch their heads and wonder how a campaign based on hectoring your wealthiest supporters expects to turn out voters, the answer is, it doesn't. 

 

  

 

What the hell is Obama doing? No one, left or right, has a clue. 

This really isn't about lighting a fire under the fragile asses of elderly voters, it's about running out of people to blame for the unbelievable mess he's made, a mess the president in no way will ever take responsibility for. 

 

 

Consider how Obama's "Blame Game" has progressed over time:  Bush's fault; Bush's fault; Fox's fault; Bush's mess; Bush's economy; Bush's fault; Teabagger's fault; Teabagger's fault; Teabagger's fault; Bush's fault; Bush's economy; Fox's fault; Fox's fault; Bush's fault; Bush's mess; Democrat's fault; Democrat's lazy-ass fault; Fox's fault; Old Ladies with walkers fault.

"As everyone can now clearly see, president Obama is nothing but a sociopathic narcissist," said Dr. William Appleby of the Tyson Institute for Political Studies. 

 

 

 

 

  

"That he's lowered himself so far as to blame my 89-year old Aunt Thelma, who by the way thinks FDR is still president, just shows how sick of a man he really is."

 

"Please tell President Roosevelt I'm so, so sorry I've let him down" said 89-year old Thelma McIntyre, between tortured gasps for oxygen (Alamy)

 

 

 

OBAMA ADMITS: "LOOK, I WAS REALLY JUST A JANITOR AT UC LAW"

September 17, 2010

  

It was that look, that sound, that poise, that really first brought Barack Obama to the attention of people at the University of Chicago Law School; the people in the Maintenance Department, that is.

"He never acted like he was one of us, the workers," said Harold Holcombe, former Shift Supervisor of Maintenance personnel at UCLS who has since moved on. "He was a nice enough guy, but kinda slow mopping the halls because he was always stopping and talking to himself and using big, sweeping gestures, which required him to lean the mop up against the wall constantly."

  

I was just emptying the wastebasket when the professor asked how a janitor would solve this problem, so I went to the chalkboard, and, well, you know the rest" said president Obama.

 

Now, with the U.S. economy tanking, unemployment at record highs, foreign policy in a shambles, and Islam apparently taking over America, it's become clear that president Obama is not quite what Americans thought he was when they elected him to office.

"Look," said the president, "I was really just a janitor at UC Law, I admit it."

Obama believes the big change came one day when he was emptying wastebaskets during a class. A professor called to him asking how he, as a simple janitor, would solve the problem being discussed.

"I went to the chalkboard and wrote out what I thought. Next thing I know I'm lecturing classes, and then it was just up, up, up from there" Obama said.

 

 

The popular movie "Good Will Hunting" played a critical role in Obama's ascendancy (courtesy of Miramax)

 

Professor Charles Field-Pickering, the Law professor who initially called on Obama, said the Academy Award winning movie "Good Will Hunting" inspired him.

"My life-partner and I had just seen the movie the night before, and I saw this interesting-looking guy emptying wastebaskets and thought, could it happen in real life? Little could I have known how far that janitor would go!"

From there, Obama became the talk of the Chicago academic community, and the rest, as they say, is history.  

 

"I usually had to re-clean whatever Barry had cleaned. Just like with his current job, you could tell his heart really wasn't it it" said Harold Holcombe, Obama's former supervisor at UCLS (PUI)

  

As for the future, Obama says he's open to any opportunities that may come along.

"I've been really, really lucky so far, but I know this presidency thing is just a lark, a transitional period for me. I'm not very good at it, and neither Michelle nor I like the White House very much. I'm thinking of taking up carpentry next." he said. 

"Maybe I could be the Carpentry Czar in some future administration? I think I'd like that. Or I could be a contractor, a job where I'd get to wear a cool hardhat."

  

  

OVAL OFFICE RUG GETS QUOTATION WRONG, MUSLIM WORLD ENRAGED

 

  

September 5, 2010

 

(Washington) A big mistake has been made in the Oval Office makeover that goes beyond the pale, and could possibly cause even more international tensions.

President Obama's new presidential rug seems odd, for certain, for an American president, but the Turkish carpet is attractive and does seem to match the new colors of the Oval Office.

The rug, specially made in Istanbul by the now defunct specialty commercial firm of Abdul & Abdul, LTD., contains quotes from Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, FDR, and John F. Kennedy around its edges, in Arabic. It also includes the following, which was supposed to be a quote from the Muslim Prophet Mohammad (PBUH):

"There is no God but Allah, and Nationwide is on His side."

 

The Oval Office Turkish rug, with Arabic lettering around the edges containing the famous quotes, and the infamous misquote (photo courtesy of CAIR)

 

According to media reports, this blasphemous misquotation has caused quite a stir in the Muslim world, and news from Turkey has confirmed that both Abdul & Abdul have already been beheaded by an angry mob.

President Obama himself is said to be sick with grief and has started praying five times a day again as penance.

 

President Obama and staff members praying in the recently redesigned East Room of the White House (photo courtesy of Imam Rauf)

 

For the record, the quote was supposed to be "There is no God but Mohammad, and Allah is his sock-puppet."

A White House source has said they think that the mistake was an honest one, that the merchants probably just got this rug mixed up with another commercial order, and that it's too bad they were executed before they were even questioned about it.

 

ECONOMY TANKING: Obama Says He'll Probably Announce New Plans Next Week, Sometime, Maybe, When He Gets Back From His Mental Vacation

 

September 3, 2010

  

  

(Congressional Country Club, Bethesda) New employment figures released Friday are in the tank, the nation seems on the verge of revolution, but president Obama is playing it cool -- appearing relaxed in saddle golf shoes and smiling broadly for the media. 

The unemployment rate rose in August for the first time in four months as more people entered the job market looking for work and struggled to find openings. The rate rose from 9.5 percent to 9.6 percent. One Republican called the numbers "catastrophic." 

The president on Friday, from the 9th hole at Congressional Country Club near Washington, said the rise in the unemployment rate is "positive news" but "not nearly good enough." He plans to hold a press conference next week, sometime, maybe Friday, if it works out, or possibly the following Monday, if he's not too busy, to discuss a "broader" package of socialistic proposals. 

 

 

 

"Even though I can't physically be in Martha's Vineyard or Bar Harbor right now, surrounded by all my wealthy friends, my heart and my mind are very much with Valerie Jarret and George Soros, sipping piña coladas on a yacht, or just splashing lazily in the surf," mused the president.

"But back to that economy stuff, we are confident that we are moving in the right direction, which is as far Left as possible, and we want to keep whatever this thing is that is happening going so we can accelerate governmental job growth as much as possible" Obama said, flanked by caddies and several of his economic adviser-buddies, also looking cool in saddle golf shoes.

 

 

OBAMA ANNOUNCES THAT NOPE, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT

  

July 22, 2010

 

President Obama at his Rose Garden press conference (courtesy of the Daily Turpitude)

 

(Washington) President Barack Obama said today it's not his fault.

In a brief announcement from the Rose Garden, the Chief Executive stated that Americans should stop looking at him when something that looks really bad happens.

"I am not responsible for that" said the president. "Not only did I not do it, I didn't even know about it at the time."

 

Obama: "I'm saddened by the attitudes of Americans today, and I hope that all this finger pointing will change" (PUI)

 

The president made his brief announcement shortly after what some critics have called "just the latest scandal so far this morning" involving amateurish missteps by the White House became known.

"It's tiresome" said Obama. "I'm a very busy man, but has anyone questioned why Bush Administration people have done nothing to ease this latest crisis? Sadly, everyone is trying to lay the blame at my feet, and it's not fair. I simply won't stand for it" said the president.  

Mr. Obama refused to take any questions and quipped "you'll probably blame me for that, too!"

 

"You're barking up the wrong tree, buddy!"  said Obama (PUI)

 

One reporter shouted a question to the president as he was walking back toward the Oval Office, and Obama turned with a smile and said "Ha! Thought you had me on that one, but you're barking up the wrong tree, buddy!"

There were no further details available at press time.

 

OBAMA'S LABOR SECRETARY REACHES OUT TO "LONELY OR DEPRESSED" YOUNG MUSLIM MALES WHO "BELIEVE VERY STRONGLY"

 

June 24, 2010

(Washington) Hot on the heels of the controversial program launched by the Labor Department to help ensure that illegal aliens in the United States are paid fairly, Labor Secretary Hilda Solis announced today a follow up program that will work to assist another beleaguered group of U.S. residents: lonely or depressed young Muslim males who "believe very strongly."

 

Hilda Solis of the U.S. Dept. of Labor (file)

 

"Every strongly believing young Muslim male living in America, whether here legally or not, has the right to have company and to be happy" said Solis in a new video that will debut tomorrow on the Department's "We Can Help" website.

She cited the case of Faisal Shahzad, the Connecticut man who pleaded guilty ten times over to attempting to set off a car bomb in Times Square on May 1st, and explained how loneliness and financial difficulties had been at the root of all his troubles.

 

Foreclosed upon American citizen Faisal Shahzad (Allahu Akbar Media)

 

"If only Mr. Shahzad, an American citizen from Connecticut, had had a friend, or if only he hadn't been foreclosed upon, he wouldn't have gone a little crazy the way he did. We want to help make sure that other lonely or depressed young Muslim males who believe strongly get the assistance they need, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on" said Solis.

Asked if she felt that Shahzad's confession of being a Muslim "soldier" and "Islamic jihadist" had anything to do with the failed attack, Solis appeared to "go blank" for a moment, but then stated "No, of course not. Jihad is a legitimate tenant of Islam, it is a holy struggle and it is improper to use that term when describing random attacks and man-made disasters by lone-wolves or overseas contingency operations."

Further asked what the Department means by "strongly believing" Muslim males, she replied "those whose beliefs in...things...things that are very important to them are...are very strong."

 

Times Square, where Connecticut resident Faisal Shahzad almost went "a little crazy" due to loneliness and foreclosure (PUI)

 

Questioned about whether or not she believes that it's at least possible that Islam is what Shahzad and many other young Muslims believe in so strongly, and act violently as a result of, she sighed heavily and replied "Islam is a religion of peace™ & tolerance. It is one of the three great Abrahamic Faiths. We of course don't believe that Islam is in any way a factor, in anything, except for peaceful & tolerant...things."

 

What follows is a transcript of Solis' new PSA:

"You work hard, or maybe in your culture there is no tradition of working at all, but either way, you have the right to have company and to be happy. I'm U.S. Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis, and it's a serious problem when young Muslim males who believe strongly are not getting the attention they deserve, or the happiness that they need. Remember, every strongly believing young Muslim male in America, whether documented or not, has the right to have company, and the right to be happy. So, call us -- it is free and confidential -- at 1-800-555-1212. We can help, before things go a little...crazy...in your life."