ER'sB !

CHILE CELEBRATES AS ALL 33 MINERS ARE RESCUED - MUSLIM WORLD DEMANDS FULL CREDIT

 

 

 

 

 

(Copiapo) Chile completed its flawless rescue of 33 miners trapped for a record 10 weeks, sparking euphoria around the world as Muslim leaders announced Chile could not have done it without them.

"Take zero for instance," said Turkey's Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. "Did you notice the shape of the escape tunnel? It's in the form of a zero, and we Muslims, the best of peoples, came up with zero, so we deserve full credit for making the rescue possible."

In reality, it was a Hindu mathemetician, Aryabhata, in India before 400 BC who actually invented zero, according to an incredulous Manmohan Singh, Prime Minister of India, who couldn't stop laughing when told of Erdogan's remarks.

 

"Zero, we invented it, see? So we deserve all the credit" said Turkish PM Erdogan (AFP)

 

From Lebanon, where he is on some kind of ridiculous "mission," Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad took a short break from cracking jokes about the Holocaust to second Erdogan, and to question the West's priorities.

"Isn't it just like those Great Satan societies of the decadent West to be so very concerned about a few grimy miners when there are still Jews left in the world who haven't been beheaded yet? But still in all, praise be to Allah for having effectively allowed this rescue, they couldn't have done it without the influence of our great Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)."

 

"No! Erdogan didn't really say that, did he? He did? Are you serious?" asked Indian PM Singh (UPI)

 

After a spellbinding 22-hour drama that captivated hundreds of millions around the world, late Wednesday the last of the miners, grizzled leader Luis Urzua, capped an against-all-odds operation hailed by Chile's president as an inspiration to the world.

 

"And one, we Muslims invented that too, and you'll notice that the Chili's (sic) only needed one rescue capsule. Coincidence? I think not" said Ahmadinejad (photo courtesy of the TV show Shi'ite Tonight!)

 

U.S. President Obama made this statement when asked about the miners:

"Don't let me down in November, America. Don't make me look bad, I mean it. I'm serious. You won't like me if I end up looking bad."

 

"No, I really mean it. I do. I double mean it, so don't you even think of daring to do that to me" (photo courtesy of Alinsky-Lewinski Solutions, LLC)

 

Imam Faisal Abdul Rauf noted that "it would be in the best interests of the West to give us full credit for this rescue, otherwise a great many Muslims will be very, very angry. I cannot protect the West from them unless the West concedes fully to my demands."

 

 

AFGHANISTAN: TALIBAN "PEACE COUNCIL" DEMANDS "GESTURE" FROM U.S.

 

JESUS, WHO IS NOT A MUSLIM PROPHET, OBLIGES:

 

 

MANIC DEPRESSIVE AFGHAN PRESIDENT KARZAI CONFIRMS HE'S LYING AND DOUBLE DEALING AGAIN, AND DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHO KNOWS HE'S OFF HIS MEDS

 

 

 

 

October 12, 2010

 

(KABUL) Attempting to make it look somewhat like he's advancing his nation's peace progress with insurgents while boldly stringing the United States along for as long as possible, all in order to save his own neck whilst making his corupt family ever richer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said unofficial negotiations with the Taliban have been taking place and hopes the formation of a peace council will further those efforts.

 

 

He made his statements at the same time that he was vacuuming the press room, balancing his personal budget, washing the windows, fixing an electrical outlet, planning a meeting, programming his TIVO, doing a crossword, dictating his memoirs, and doing push ups.

 

"You see I'm lying, and I'm lying, and I'm all powerful. I can fly. I'm off my meds and I don't give a shit that you know. Now, pay me, pay me, pay me, or kiss your fuel trucks at the border bye bye, okay? Why are you all looking at me like that? Is something wrong?" said Karzai (photo courtesy of Allahu Akbar!!! Media)

 

"We have been talking to the Taliban as countryman to countryman, talk in that manner. Of course you all know it's bullshit. I can walk through walls, want to see? Actually I don't feel like it right now you goddamned sonofabitch traitors!!! Did you see that picture of cigar guy from Ryder Cup? Wasn't that hilarious? We are Moslems here, the best of peoples. You have no choice but to deal with me. I can swim and breathe under water. So what I'm double dealing with America and the Taliban, I will live forever," Karzai told ER'sB.

 

 

"It's not like I have a regular official contact with the Taliban with a fixed address, but rather unofficial personal contacts have been going on for quite some time. What you don't know is that I tell them one thing and the U.S. government something else. I once wrestled a bear, and right now you really have to pay me, or something bad might happen again with your fuel trucks, infidels.

I love everybody in the world!" the Afghan President shouted, before turning and running face first into a concrete wall, knocking himself out.

 

 

Hallmark Introduces New "Playable Jew Card™" Series To Help Combat Anti-Semitism Against Muslims

  

  

  

  

September, 24, 2010

 

Hallmark Cards, in an attempt to help stamp out Islamophobia, will be introducing a new line of greetings called the Playable Jew Card™ series for Muslims.

 Roger Kitman, CEO of Hallmark, said he got the idea originally when he heard the phrase "Muslims playing the Jew card" on TV, although he admits that he has no idea what they were referring to specifically, except that it had something to do with the fight against anti-Muslim bigotry.

"That started the ball rolling. I thought, what a neat thing, what a neat idea it would be for Muslims to perhaps fight the anti-semitism against them by means of a Playable Jew Card™.

 It's got a great ring to it!" said Kitman.  

  

   

  

"So I gave the Playable Jew Card™ idea over to our product development team in the Dearborn, Michigan Division, and the Award-winning Creative Team came up with some really fantastic ideas for it.

I've never seen a team of young people so excited about a project before!"

Asked if the idea of a Playable Jew Card™ might actually be considered anti-Jewish by some, Kitman was dismissive. 

 

Several members of Hallmark's Award-winning Creative Team in the Dearborn, Michigan Division (photo by Abdul)  

 

"Muslims are the ones who are getting the brunt of racism, anti-semitism and that horrible Islampohobia these days, and the Jews, of all people, can understand, I'm sure, that we all need to do whatever we can to alleviate some of the burden on them in whatever way we can. If it's by something as innocuous as sending a Playable Jew Card™ to friends, relatives or even to Jewish colleagues or neighbors, then that's what they should be able to do."

With a selection of approximately a thousand different cards with various printed inspirational messages -- including a recording chip with up to three minutes of time for the sender to record a personalized greeting -- Hallmark hopes the effort will be a big success in the Islamic community.  

  

 

 

  

  

"There's really no need to worry about backlash from Jews these days," said Kitman with a laugh.

"As you know, the Muslims are the new Jews in the 21st century, and I got that directly from our Dearborn Division leader, Ahmed Khalifi-Mohammad. As a successful Muslim of Palestinian origin, he ought to know what he's talking about when it comes to Jews" he added. 

The Playable Jew Card™ will be available for sale in Hallmark stores on November 15th.  

 

  

ER'sB IS PROUD TO SAY:

 

U.K. Woman teacher charged after 'having sex with two pupils' - Honor Killing scheduled for Friday after prayers

 

23 September, 2010

(Merseyside) A Muslim female whore and disgrace-to-her-honorable-family teacher at an all-boys school has been charged with sex offences against two pupils and sentenced to an excruciatingly painful death.

Hina Patel, 37, was working as a supply teacher when over a period of several weeks she allegedly engaged two boys, both 16, in sexual acts while at the school.

"In the final two days before my face is destroyed and my head reduced to nothing but a bloody pulp, I will try to remain positive!" said the smiling Patel (Liverpool Daily Shariah Post)

 

Patel was employed as a cover supervisor, filling short-term absences of teachers at Birkdale High School, Merseyside, which has 930 pupils aged 11 to 16.

She was immediately suspended from her position after the allegations emerged earlier this year and placed in family detention in the dirt-basement of her father's house.

Yesterday, she was brought before the Shariah Council of Merseyside and sentenced to be stoned to death on Friday after prayers in the town green. 

"I say old man" said Provisional Minister Lord Hee Hee (photo courtesy of Prince Albert in a Can Can)

 

"Jolly good, this new Shariah Britain is wonderfully effecient!" noted Provisional Minister for the Crown Sir Lord Charles Monteforte-Stanley Hee Hee.

"It reminds me of how justice was meted out in the good old days, under Edward the First. I am sure it will be just as effective a deterrent against such hideous crimes as drawing & quartering was for Longshanks. Remember William Wallace!" he said.

Patel, who will be buried up to her neck in the ground and then stoned with fist-sized rocks until her eyes pop out, her skull is destroyed, and her brain is the consistency of pudding, said she's trying to remain positive.

"I know I have offended Allah and the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH). Our prophet was such a good and decent man and taught the world so much, I deserve to be punished harshly for having done things he never would have approved of" she said.

 

Normally a field for football, on Friday after prayers, Hina Patel will be stoned to death for adultery here. Tickets are available at the Liverpool Muslim Society Mosque. Tell them you read about it on ER'sB and get 10% off your admission price for a limited time only!

 

Upon being informed of Mohammad's true, sociopathic personality and murderous deeds, her demeanor changed abruptly.

"You mean he was really evil and horrible and raped little girls and murdered people?!" she cried.

Lord Hee Hee, always at the ready to defend Islam on behalf of Her Majesties government, assured her it was all just being taken out of context, and that her impending brutal execution will, in fact, be just.

Ms. Patel's father, with the help of her two brothers, then grabbed her by the hair and threw her face-first into the boot of their car for the journey back to her basement cell to await her final disposition.

 

 

"All's well that ends well!" said Lord Hee Hee cheerfully, as he turned on his heel and, with his walking cane by his side, strolled quickly out of sight into the early morning mists of Merseyside.

 

OBAMA DEFENDS MUSLIMS RIGHTS TO BE SLUMLORDS

  

 

 

 

September 20, 2010

Washington/Union City, NJ- The Imam at the heart of the Ground Zero Mega-Mosque controversy has been identified as a notorious slumlord by Union City, New Jersey officials. President Obama, upon learning of the designation, called a quick news conference in order to defend his friend Rauf's rights. Obama vowed that the Mosque-building initiative was 'not going to be derailed by insignificant building violations that could result in the deaths of hundreds of tenants.'

'It is absolutely important now for the overwhelming majority of the tenants in Rauf's slums to understand that as a Muslim, he as the absolute right to be the slumlord of his own properties."

 

"Muslims are the best of people, don't fuck with them" said Obama (photo courtesy of FreakingNews.com)

 

'Rauf is not at war with absent fire alarm installers,' Obama said. 'He is at war with bigotry and Islamophobia that is rampant throughout his buildings.' 

Obama also again weighed in on the plans for a New York City mosque near the 2001 terrorist attack site.

 

Imam Rauf's rat infested slum apartment building in Union City, New Jersey (photo courtesy of Dirty Jobs)

  

"Muslims should be able to build whatever they want, wherever they want, and maintain whatever they have in any way they wish. Americans must learn that Muslims are the best of people, and any resistance to Muslims taking over is nothing but bigotry and racism.

What it all comes down to is that Imam Rauf can do what he likes with his apartment buildings, and if the residents don't appreciate him they can live in the fucking street. Also, as regards the mosque, we will not allow anyone to build a church on that site, nor will we allow anyone to build a synagogue or a Hindu temple, and if someone did, Imam Rauf would reserve the absolute right to tear it down and build a mega-mosque on top of it, inshallah" the president said.

 

 

 

 

Obama did not directly mention the Constitution in his statement, but appeared confused when someone shouted something about it.

"Constipation? I don't have any idea what that has to do with this debate at all, and I'm perfectly regular, thanks" the president said, before refusing to answer any questions.

 

 

 

"EVERYBODY DRAW MOHAMMAD AS THE HUSBAND OF A 9-YEAR OLD GIRL DAY" ANNOUNCED!

 

 

 

 

The Muslim Prophet Mohammad. What can be confirmed about this sole messenger of Allah and the founder of Islam? Businessman? Probably. Messenger and prophet of Allah? Yes, according to him and him alone. Husband of a 9-year old girl? Most Definitely.

How can we be so sure about that? The Sahih Bukhari Hadith (and other Sahih Hadith) makes the fact that his bride was 9 quite clear, in fact in her own words:

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari HadithHadith 5.234        Narrated byAisha

The Prophet engaged me when I was a girl of six (years). We went to Medina and stayed at the home of Bani-al-Harith bin Khazraj. Then I got ill and my hair fell down.

Later on my hair grew (again) and my mother, Um Ruman, came to me while I was playing in a swing with some of my girl friends. She called me, and I went to her, not knowing what she wanted to do to me. She caught me by the hand and made me stand at the door of the house. I was breathless then, and when my breathing became all right, she took some water and rubbed my face and head with it. Then she took me into the house. There in the house I saw some Ansari women who said, "Best wishes and Allah's Blessing and a good luck." Then she entrusted me to them and they prepared me (for the marriage).

Unexpectedly Allah's Apostle came to me in the forenoon and my mother handed me over to him, and at that time I was a girl of nine years of age.

 

Mind you, these Sahih Hadith are considered absolutely authentic sources for understanding the things that Mohammad said and did.

Mohammad is considered the most beautiful example of conduct for Muslims - al-insan, al-kamil, the perfect man; and it is important to understand that his example, even though he lived nearly 1,400 years ago, is still followed widely in the Muslim world in the 21st century.

 

No, this 10-year old girl is not this Muslim man's daughter (photo courtesy of NAMGLA, Northern Afghanistan Man Girl Love Association)

 

Yes, Mohammad, aged 54, married 9-year old Aisha (Actually, Mohammad "engaged," or "married" her when she was 6, but to demonstrate how decent he was and how much he loved little children, he didn't consumate the marriage until she was 9. In truth, he found her unattractive with no hair, and wouldn't touch her until it grew back...see above)!

So come on Ibrahim, Asad, Faisal and Mahmoudl! It's time to let your "perfect man" hang out in all his glory and show the world how proud you are to emulate him!!

Don't be bashful and hide your prophet's ways, he wanted to be the #1 man on earth, so let him take the spotlight!

 

 

In order to help shine the flattering light of peace, grandeur and love upon him, and particularly upon one of the subjects he was so very fond of - being the husband of a 9-year old girl, we've decided to announce the First Annual "Everybody Draw Mohammad as The Husband of a 9-Year old Girl" Day!"

Here are some suggestions for your drawings:

-Draw Mohammad being a husband to a 9-year old girl in the desert.

-Draw Mohammad being a husband to a 9-year old girl in his tent.

-Draw Mohammad being a husband to a 9-year old girl on camel back.

-Draw Mohammad being a husband to a 9-year old girl in a darkened mosque hallway near the Ka'ba.

-Draw Mohammad learning to love himself, with the help of his 9-year old wife.

 

So many different ways to draw Mohammad being a husband to a 9-year old girl!  Let's all celebrate that fact!

Get your pens and your paper and draw away, America!!

 

 

RAUF TO SUE TENANTS OF HIS SLUMS - SAYS CHARGING ISLAMIC DEFINITION OF SLANDER IS HIS RELIGIOUS RIGHT

  

  

 

  

  

September 16, 2010

Imam Faisal Abdul Rauf, the leader of the Ground Zero Mega-Mosque Initiative, today filed suit in a hastily convened Shariah court against all of the tenants of his slums in Union City New Jersey, charging Islamic slander.

The Imam maintains that suing Islamically is his religious right.

  

"it may be true I am a slumlord, but it is illegal to say it" said Imam Rauf.

  

"As a prominent and important Muslim religious leader it is my right to sue them as the Shariah provides," he said.

Under Shariah law, which Rauf intends to introduce to America from Ground Zero, slander is not defined as an untruth about a Muslim, but only as something said that might hurt the feelings of a Muslim.

  

 

An apartment complex in Union City, NJ owned and maintained by Imam Rauf (photo courtesy of Mega-Mosque! In Your Face! Promotions)

  

"And my feelings are truly hurt" said the Imam, adding "while it may be true that I am a slumlord, the Shariah regards any statement by anyone that I am a slumlord as illegal. Calling me a slumlord causes me pain, and those who did so will pay" he said.

Standard punishment for Islamic slanderers is a "Hadd" punishment of 80 lashes.

  

 

 

Randy Jenkins, tenant of Apartment 23C, whined about the lack of electricity and running water, and so receives his Shariah punishment (Fars News Agency)

 

Asked about the Imam's plans to go all Islamic on his tenants, President Obama said "it's his religious right under the First Amendment to insist on Shariah proceedings and punishments against his ungrateful tenants. They should have thought about who they were messing with before they opened their big mouths. I have no pity for Islamic slanderers."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, when asked about the situation, was speechless -- possibly for the first time in his entire life.

 

 

 

 

OPEN LETTER FROM FAIZ KHAN, IMAM RALPH's 911 "TROOFER" PARTNER

 

 

 

 

"Troof is my middle name. Ok, actually it's Muhammad, but Muhammad means troof in Arabic!! Would I lie??" (photo courtesy of CAIR)

 

  

by Faiz Khan, S.o.A./M.D.

Look America, you have to believe me that 9/11 was an inside job! It had to be the U.S. government because otherwise it just doesn't make sense. Take it from me, I'm a doctor, and I know what I'm talking about. Al Qaeda had NOTHING to do with 9/11. They didn't!

I'll say it again, they didn't!! I am telling the troof!!

  

  

Point out to me one single terrorist act that has been proven, absolutely, to have been committed by a Muslim! You can't! There are no Muslim terrorists, I mean it! Every so-called "act of terror" has been committed by the U.S. government to make it LOOK like innocent Muslims did it.

Honest to Allah, I am not kidding!

  

 

FOX News did a real hack job on my reputation Monday night, and I am going to sue them for every penny they have! How DARE they question my troof! If I wasn't a highly-paid, highly-regarded doctor, I'd be waiting in the parking garage for that O'Reilly!

I'd give him a little anatomy lesson, if you know what I mean!

Listen, I am a Muslim, and I was raised to believe that the rest of the world is inferior to Muslims, and I believe it. Just ask me or Ralph if you don't believe it!

We are better, and so you have no argument against me when I speak the troof!

 

 

 

 

I am telling you for the last time, those planes were not flown by Muslims, so there!

I don't think any more evidence is necessary, I've just given you all there is. Any more doubting questions? Call my lawyer at CAIR.

 

Peace,

~Faiz Khan, S.o.A./M.D.

 

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL AMERICAN ISLAMOPHOBES & BIGOTS from Imam Ralph

 

 

 

 

Dear American Islamophobes & Bigots:

Fuck you. I will do whatever I want to do, wherever and whenever I want to do it, and you cannot stop me.

Are we clear?

ARE WE CLEAR??????

You think flags are the only flammable things around? Hmmm?

So, let's all try and get along now, before you get hurt again, okee dokee?

Peace,

~Imam Ralph

 

 

 

 

CNN: RIVAL RALLIES IN NEW YORK WHERE 3 PEOPLE SHOW UP AGAINST MOSQUE, 14,000,000 APPEAR IN SUPPORT

   

  

September 11, 2010

  

 

 

  

 

(by Fareed Zakaria)

New York -- Hours after families remembered those accidentally killed nine years ago at ground zero, the nation's debate over a proposed peaceful, bridge-building Islamic center with only a miniscule little "mosquette" very loosely attached that may be built many, many, many blocks away, played out Saturday at opposing rallies.

 

An artists depiction of the gorgeous Community Center (CNN)

 

A "rally" against the loving and wonderful proposed center began first, as three random people wandering by were grabbed by Dutch Nazi political criminal Geert Wilders and ordered to listen to him speak. Two other speakers then reminded the three passersby, who were being held against their will by fascist thug and right wing radical Islamophobe Robert Spencer, that all Muslims should be deported immediately, and all mosques in America should be converted into cowboy bars.

I did not hear or see that personally, I was getting a manicure at the time, but my personal assistant and valet Abdul Muhammad told me about it.

 

The three people forcefully rounded up to protest the Islamic Center are out of view in this photo. The tens of thousands of others seen here were just everyday New York pedestrians, and were not in any way related to any protest against the Center (Atlas Shrugs)

 

Evidently, for racist, bigoted mosque opponents it was a sad, ill-advised, and almost non-existant attempt at a rally, as well as a pathetic failure for Islamophobes in America who espouse nothing but pure hatred against this country's peaceful Muslim sweethearts.

However, on the other side, more than 14,000,000 supporters of the Commnunity Center of Peace came out, and they all sang kumbaya in unison as Imam Rauf, that very model of moderate peace and tolerance, wept with joy.

Clearly, the rumored "80%" opposition to the Community Center of Sweet Dreams and Light is just some kind of xenophobic urban legend.

 

Although only a few protesters in support of the Islamic Center can be seen in this photo, trust us, there were 14,000,000 supporters there. Unfortunately, our still photographer left the wide angle lens for his camera at home (CNN)

 

So, America, it's clearly time to face the facts as we give them to you and just drop your ridiculous and unsupported opposition to to this wonderful, inspiring, and mandatory Cordoba House Community Center.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way, it's your choice. Imam Rauf firmly intends to build the bridge by which Americans will come to Islam, and we at CNN think it's high time you redneck ingrates prepare to cross it. 

 

 

Penniless Yemeni Immigrant Acquires Entire Midwestern American Town: "They Just Gave Me Everything, Allahu Akbar!"

  

  

 

  

  

September 11, 2010

  

(Kelley, Nebraska) For Farouk Mahmoud Abdul Muhammad, a recent immigrant from Yemen, coming to America has truly been like he heard it ought to be from his Mullah (religious leader) back home, although he could hardly believe how easily the weak American infidels gave up everything they had and just fled the area.

"Allahu Akbar (Allah is the Greatest)!" says the 27-year old bachelor, who is now the proud owner of Kelley, Nebraska -- a town with a previous population of 1,759. 

  

 

  

Now, there is only Abdul Muhammad, his mother and father (plus his fathers three other wives), grandmothers and grandfathers, seven uncles, twenty-eight aunts, sixteen sisters, twenty-three brothers, and ten cousins, all admitted to the United States as naturalized citizens under the Obama Administrations controversial new "America is a Muslim Nation™" program.

"These weak Americans are just like I heard they would be, so afraid of us superior Muslims that they flee in our presence!" he said.

According to the new town owner, it took less than a week before every Kelley resident had just handed over keys, wallets, purses, jewelry, deeds, and all other items of value.

  

Farouk Mahmoud Abdul Muhammad, seen here in Yemen prior to his move to America (courtesy al-Khillya Media)

  

Abdul Muhammad, now a multi-millionaire by default, and one of the the largest individual landholders in the state, seems to have taken his windfall in stride.

"Muslims are the best of people. The Holy Qur'an tells us that, and the infidels, especially the Jews, are the brothers of apes and pigs. Even president Obama must agree, for he and Allah made this possible!"

He says that soon he will become a married man - he intends to marry four of his first cousins - and that he will be transforming Kelley into a place that reminds him more of Yemen, which he still considers to be home.

"There's an old Christian church I'll be tearing down to make room for my new Al-Hadi Mosque, and a tiny synagogue my brothers and I are going to burn with much pleasure, inshallah!" he said.

  

The historic 137-year old Kelley United Church of Christ, which will be razed to make room for the new Al-Hadi Mosque (photo courtesy of CAIR)

 

While ER'sB tried to discuss this story with former residents and even police officials from Kelley, all but one declined to speak with us about it. The former official who did, agreed to only under conditions of strict anonymity.

He said "that terrorist threatened to nuke our town if we all didn't leave, and then he told us that his god gave him the right to do it. We let the government know about the threat, but they informed us that it was their policy to not get involved where issues of freedom of religion were at risk."

When contacted, a White House spokesperson said "if Allah tells a Muslim to nuke a town, that's a textbook example of his freedom of religion, and we won't get involved. However, if it were a Christian threatening a nuke, we'd bring the entire weight of the U.S. military down on him."

 

PA's Abbas: "Our Prophet Once Flew to Jerusalem On a Magic Donkey, in a Dream, So That Makes All of Israel Ours!"

 

August 31, 2010 

RAMALLAH, West Bank — Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned Tuesday that while the PA will continue the charade of of sorta desiring peace talks with Israel, they have no intention of ever settling. 

The negotiations-for-show-purposes-only are set to resume this week with a gala summit meeting in Washington after months of American mediation efforts spearheaded by Barack Obama, who is best known as the worlds most prominent spokesman for Islam.

  

 

  

Abbas did, however, encourage the Israelis to continue building expensive houses and adding pricey amenities such as central air conditioning and swimming pools, noting that when Allah's soldiers take over all of Israel, he wants them to have as much luxury as the filthy Jews can afford to leave behind.

"Jews won't need swimming pools when we give them the sea" he said.

Ironically, Israelis themselves are divided over the settlements in the West Bank, but Abbas was dismissive of any claims, by Israelis, to anything whatsoever in Israel. He proclaimed:

"Our great Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) once flew to Jerusalem on a magic donkey, in a dream, so that makes all of Israel ours!"

 Laughter immediately erupted in the pressroom, but when Abbas failed to smile after the punchline, those present realized that he was not joking.

 

It's a laugh a minute with straight-faced funny man Mahmoud Abbas of the Looneytunes Guild "Palestinian Authority" (photo courtesy of the TV show Shi'ite Tonight!)

  

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, when told of the statement, said "last night I dreamt that Megan Fox came to my office and gave me a lap dance. Should that mean I now have the right to demand that she actually come to my office and give me a lap dance?!"

  

 

 Lap dance? Dream on (EW)

  

"Abbas is a ridiculous mental midget who actually represents something much closer to the Looneytoons Guild than any kind of serious government" the Israeli Prime Minister growled.

  

 

  

AT ER'sB, WE ARE PROUD TO SAY:

 

NV Times #1 With a Bullet (Fired From an AK-47)!!!: "The Imam Ralph Diaries" (Installment 2)

  

 

 

  

(ER'sB will be featuring three "diary excerpts" per installment from the runaway Bestseller "The Imam Ralph Diaries")

  

 

  

 

 

  

12 November, 1430 AH

Dear Diary,

That ungrateful, intransigent waiter has again set upon a course to test my patience. He is acting as if he is the "owner" of our victory mosque site. The insufferable, ignorant douchebag has another think coming if he believes that he would be anything at all, short of a fry cook at Applebees, without having had the help of H.E. and myself. On other matters, video of me "praying" over the Qur'an was shot today as part of our da'wa/propaganda campaign in preparation for the resistance we anticipate, and I must say that I was able to make myself appear so devout and harmless in it! Imagine me, as a holy man! I appear resplendent in white, on my knees praying and just oozing piety! Fatima my secretary told me how handsome I looked, and so I took the whore right where she stood. She was not wearing so much as a hijab today, so of course she was asking for it, inshallah. And naturally, He was!

~Imam Ralph

  

  

 

 

13 November, 1430

Dear Diary,

Spoke with the dear Prince this morning and he assured me that a prominent da'wa segment, sometime in December on FOX, will be no problem at all. The cow thinks she's the best one to handle it and I will consider allowing her to be the "face" of our stealth maneuvers, at least initially. The dhimma-like Americans seem to have something of a soft spot for women, so sending her in to "strike a treaty" with the infidels while we plan our clandestine offensive may indeed be prudent. On another front, Nicholas from Hunk-O-Mania called today to confirm our party for next week, and I informed him that while that very ripped dancer, Teddy, is indeed extremely cute, the fact that he insists the Muslim world did not contribute significantly to the Aerospace industry will, necessarily, preclude him from my affections this time around. I believe I have learned my lesson: one must never attempt to argue on a religious supremacist level with meat, no matter how attractive, beguiling, or irresistible that meat may be. I also think Fatima is jealous of my other passions, but as I have told her, the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) himself was well known for occasionally enjoying a piece, not only upon him, but within him him as well, and I will continue to also, inshallah.

~Imam Ralph

 

 

 

15 November, 1430 AH

Dear Diary,

I swear to Allah if that insufferable, cretinous waiter does not mend his ways he will find himself in very unpleasant circumstances! H.E. insists that we must keep him on due to that one crucial connection of his, but nevertheless my patience is truly wearing very, very thin. Fortunately I have Fatima, my right hand possession, to help me relieve the terrible stress. Actually, that black eye of hers is not entirely unattractive, and the cast on her arm does, indeed, make her quite alluring.

~Imam Ralph 

 

(Look for ER'sB's next installment of excerpts from "The Imam Ralph Diaries" coming soon!)

 

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BLOOMBERG: "It's Not like Teabaggers Want To Build A Church There, These Are Jihadists, and Jihad is Legitimate"

 

August 26, 2010

  

 

(New York, NY) New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg hosted his annual Ramadan Iftar dinner at Gracie Mansion on Tuesday night, during which he touched on many themes in discussing the proposed Park51 mosque and cultural center near Ground Zero, including:

America's obligation to serve as an example of tolerating intolerance to the rest of the world, his view that U.S. troops overseas are brutal murderers just killing and raping everything they see, and his opinion that a compromise on the mosque's location would not end the intolerance that America must learn to tolerate.

Bloomberg also quoted Park51 organizer Imam Faisal Abdul Rauf's comment at a memorial service for slain journalist Daniel Pearl: "Jews are the brothers of apes and pigs. We smite them at the neck as the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did. What else can I say?"

  

 

  

Said Bloomberg:

"...It's not like Teabaggers want to build a church there, these are jihadists, and jihad is legitimate. Our own Federal government has confirmed that jihad is a legitimate tenent of Islam, so stick that in your bigoted, racist pipes and smoke it you freaking Islamophobic haters! Of course, you'll need to smoke it anywhere but New York City, naturally."

“Islam did not attack the World Trade Center - Muslim adherents to Islam did. To implicate all of Islam for the actions of a bunch of devout Muslims who followed the legitimate tenents of their great religion would have been perfectly fair and patriotically American 50 years ago, but today is today, and we must be poliltically, as well as multi-culturally, correct, in everything that we say and do. We are not at war with Islam - Islam is at war with us, and if we ignore that for long enough, we'll all just go away."

 

NV Times #1 With A Bullet (fired from an AK-47)!!!: "THE IMAM RALPH DIARIES" (Installment I)

  

  

(ER'sB will be featuring three "diary excerpts" per installment from the runaway Bestseller "The Imam Ralph Diaries")

  

 

  

24 October, 1430 AH

Dear Diary,

Praise Allah such wonderful news we received from the asinine waiter today -- despite his obvious deficiencies, he was somehow able to legally secure the purchase of the Burlington Coat Factory Building on Park, even closer to our triumph at Ground Zero than we had planned! O! Believe it! I nearly required a hands-on session from Fatima my secretary to relieve the excitement I was feeling when the jackass called and told me! I must admit that I did take what my right hand posesses, but it's alright because Fatima is already a whore in Allah's eyes, and will continue to be one whenever I'm in my NY office. Regardless, shortly after I was given the news, I met with the cow and we decided our victory will be announced to the world on 8 December, allowing just enough time for her to put together the package of da'wa for the Times to spread, and to double check the schedule with Agent "O" while I fly home to discuss dollars with Mahmoud (the American State Department, in their dhimma-like desire to please powerful Muslims such as I, has again given carte blanche for my travels! What fools! It's First Class all the way for this SOA!)

I can feel it in my bones, we will yet own the whole of Lower Manhattan, inshallah!

~Imam Ralph

  

 

  

31 October, 1430 AH

Dear Diary,

I must constantly remind myself that auto-erotic pursuits are dangerous pleasures for me, as I almost met Allah too early, this very afternoon. Thankfully, Fatima came in just before it was lights-out and placed a chair under my feet. She is still a whore in the eyes of Allah, but she's certainly useful to me. She asked for a raise so I beat her with the rope for her insolence.

~Imam Ralph

 

 

 

9 November, 1430 AH

Dear Diary,

I am back from a short visit home where the meeting with Mahmoud went very well. His organization is very eager for our "flag" to be planted at Ground Zero, and I had to convince him to not publicly praise the operation too soon; he is very anxious, as we all are, but we must be cautious lest the dhimma-like Americans catch on. I already am sensing that there may be trouble on the horizon, but have met with our deep-cover intelligence chief at NYT to plan for counter-propaganda activities. That horrid Geller and her compatriot Spencer, who are absolutely correct about everything regarding Islam that they publish on their blasphemous blogs, are likely to be the biggest obstacles. I will do everything in my power to block their views getting throught to the American nation's infidels. If only people knew how dead-on those two are about Islam's plans for the West, we'd all be out of a job! But that will never happen, inshallah!

~Imam Ralph

 

(Look for ER'sB's next installment of excerpts from "The Imam Ralph Diaries" coming soon!)

 

ER'B is proud to say:

 

UK IMMIGRATION MINISTER RULED "RATHER UN-BRITISH," ORDERED DEPORTED

 

July 18, 2010

  

(LONDON)  Britain has banned and ordered deported its Immigration Minister, Damien Green, after Mr Green said there would not be a ban on burqas in Britain.

 

Damian Green had said that banning the burqa would be ''rather un-British'' and would run contrary to conventions of a ''tolerant and mutually respectful society.''

He had ignorantly pontificated that it would be ''undesirable'' for Parliament to vote on a burqa ban and that there was no prospect of the Coalition government proposing it.

 

"What the hell do you mean 'I hope you like sand?'" asked disgraced former Minister Damien Green (PUI)

 

MR GREEN FOUND OUT DIFFERENTLY

The Home Office, citing common sense along with a new poll showing that 70% of the British population strongly support a burqa ban, said "Minister Green, now former Minister Green, took the wrong occassion and spoke out of turn. In fact, he spoke stupidly, and has proven himself to be rather un-British. We are ordering him banned from Whitehall and he is to be deported to the Shari'ah-compliant country of his choosing. Either Saudi Arabia, Saudi Arabia, or Saudi Arabia."

 

Saudi Arabia: Former Minister Green's new street view (photo courtesy Miguel Cruz)

 

Mrs. Green was not permitted by her husband to comment (photo courtesy A.Choudary Promotions)

 

MP Lord Ahmed, when asked about this very unusual reaction, said "I called the Queen about this and she told me to fuck off and die. Just like that she said 'fuck off and die'...I couldn't believe it!  I told her I would mobilise 10,000 angry Muslims to attack Buckingham Palace, and she said if I did she'd have my head and then she'd order Prince Philip to piss down my severed neck. What has happended to dhimmi Britain, I ask you?"

 

"Fuck off and die!" said the Queen to MP Lord Ahmed (photo courtesy of A. Choudary Promotions)

 

Prince Philip, ready to piss down MP Lord Ahmed's severed neck if ordered to by the Queen. "I'll happily hose down the wretched little brown-skinned Muzzie" said the Prince, mincing no words as usual (courtesy R2 Communucations Ltd, UK)

 

"Palestinians": We don't need ketchup or mayonnaise from Israel, we need some Jew heads for the wall

June 20, 2010

 

"I don't need ketchup or mayonnaise from Israel. I need my business back, and I wouldn't mind having a Jew head or two on my wall either" says Nasser al-Helo standing on a busy street in Gaza City.

Mr Helo used to run a business making steel doors in the Gaza Strip (in Gaza, "steel doors" is a euphemism for homemade shoulder-fired rockets). Before the blockade he was able to import metal from Israel and would produce more than 300 "doors" a month.

"Now, it's a big zero," he says. "I've lost $300,000 in the past three years, and it's all because the fucking Jews won't let me kill their children without a struggle."

Nasser al-Helo, Gazan doormaker (Allahu Akbar Media)

Private industry has been devastated by Israel's blockade, which was tightened in 2007 after the Islamist group Hamas seized control of the coastal territory.

Factories making anything from furniture to textiles, floor tiles to biscuits have gone under (euphemisms for guns, flak-jackets, land-mines and grenades, respectively).

The Israeli blockade has starved them of the raw materials they need to produce their "goods."

Inexplicably, the Israelis simply refuse to allow the people of Gaza to kill them without protest.

Essential Gazan food items recently siezed by Israeli Defense Forces (Jerusalem Post)

Hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs. The United Nations estimates unemployment is at 40% in Gaza. Mr Helo used to employ 32 martyrs-in-the-making at his factory. Now there are only four. 

The overwhelming feeling among Gazans is that Israel's announcement on Thursday that it is "easing the blockade" is simply not enough. "We want to be allowed to kill the blockaders and their families as well. Allah has ordained it in the Qur'an so I ask, what is wrong with wanting to slaughter those Jews?"

The details of how the blockade will be eased are still not clear, but reportedly the Israeli authorities will allow more civilian goods to enter, including all food items, toys, stationery, kitchen utensils, mattresses and towels. Construction materials for civilian projects will be allowed in under international supervision.

"Of course it's not enough," says Omar Shabban, an economist at the Gaza-based think tank PalThink.

Palestinian Economist Omar Shabbab in his office (courtesy al-Khillyah)

"What about the blockade on people for starters?" he asks.

"One-and-a-half million people are trapped with weapons and not able to use them to kill any Jews. It's frustrating."

Mr Shabban argues that what is really needed in Gaza is not a few more food items - many of which are already available through smuggling tunnels running under the Egyptian border - but a total lifting of the blockade to allow Iranian rockets, briefcase nukes, chemical and nerve agents, as well as specially made child-sized suicide vests so that little boys as young as 4 can martyr themselves and go screw whores forever in Islamic Heaven.

4-year old martyr boys dreaming of huge breasts (Martyr Media Ltd.)

Islamic Heaven and the "stuff" 4-year old's dreams are made of (courtesy Martyr Media Ltd.)

 

Hamas says it has tried to rein in rocket fire, but as the government in charge, it doesn't have the authority to control all of the militant groups whose only desires are to blow up Israeli children and women. Sporadic, usually ineffective rocket fire continues regularly.

 

Palestinian merchants carrying "steel doors" that they are about to export to Israel (courtesy Allahu Akbar Media)

 

A Hamas spokesman said "we're working on their aiming issues with them so that they can at least target close enough that they disembowel young Israeli children in schools and on playgrounds, and pregnant Israeli women in parks."

But, he stressed "we don't control these militants, nor do we even know about them."