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IRAN WANTS TO PUT MEN INTO PANTS BY 2019, SAYS AHMADINEJAD

 

July 23, 2010 

 

 

 

A traditional Islamic man's full-length dress (photo courtesy of al-Killyah TV)

 

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Friday that Iran would put its first man into a pair of pants by 2019, Iran's English-language Press reported.

In February Iran tested several different kinds of fabrics in order to determine the comfort levels men will require after having spent their entire lives wearing long, flowing, gown (or robe) like dresses. Ahmadinejad said Tehran hoped to put Muslim men into underwear by the end of the decade as well.

Western countries suspect Iran is trying to counter the well-founded impression that a large number of Muslim men are secretly homosexual, cross-dressing, pedophilic sadists, and that this is why the government is attempting to encourage the idea that Muslim men should slip out of their slips, corsets and dresses, and get into a pair of pants, like real men wear.

  

"I myself love dresses, but to be taken seriously on the world stage, I must insist that we all switch to pants" said President Ahmadinejad (courtesy of the TV Program Shi'ite Tonight!)

  

The Islamic Repbublic of Iran, the world's largest pain-in-the-ass-terror generator, has always insisted on plain but sexy full-length dresses for its men and dewy boys. 

"The tradition began with the Prophet Mohammad at the beginning of Islam" said Ahmadinejad. "Our Prophet enjoyed wearing his wife Aisha's clothing, and so that tradition has come down to us from that time. Today, however, the world is just laughing at us, so we have to get into pants as soon as possible" he said.

 

 

Little Muslim boys have always liked wearing dresses: "I feel really pretty, like a western girl" said 7-year old Muhammad (Worldwide Aisha's Pants)

 

As for underwear, though, Ahmadinejad admitted that would be a very tough sell for Muslim men; much tougher even than convincing them to switch to pants.

"In our Islamic culture men have not traditionally worn underwear. That's because we don't have bathrooms, so we just go wherever we're standing, and underwear would tend to impede the natural fall of the...debris" said Iran's President.

Unfortunately, while there are no Islamic fatwas regarding men and boys wearing dresses, there are fatwas against toilets and other such modern (satanic) plumbing devices. So don't expect to hear anything about bathroom facilities anytime soon from the Islamic Republic of Iran.

Oh, and no toilet paper either.

"That is what the left hand is for, inshallah" Ahmadinejad insisted.

 

Religiously forbidden by fatwa (PUI)

 

 

 

IRAN INTRODUCES "MUSLIM-LIKE" ROBOT

  

July 6, 2010

 

(Tehran) It's arrogant, hateful, spiteful, perpetually enraged, and it's capable of indiscriminate violence against anyone or anything with little or no warning.

It loathes anything that's not just like it, and it desires carnal relations with goats or little girls younger than ten years of age.

It's Iran's new "Muslim-like" Robot called Surena II, and it has expressed it's determination to conquer the world in accordance with the commands of the Muslim Prophet Mohammad.

In other words, it's virtually indistinguishable from a raving, ranting, human Muslim.

"Allahu Akbar, asshole!" said the Surena II at a press conference where the new "Mo-Bot" was introduced to the world (courtesy of Bob May Media)

 

At a press conference to introduce the Surena II, the Robot (or "Mo-Bot" as it's been dubbed) went on an hour-long rant against Jews and Christians, which it called "monkeys and apes," as well as against all "unclean infidel scum" everywhere. The following is a portion of the Q&A between the Mo-Bot and the press:

Q: How do you feel?

A: I feel like a jihadi ready to kill-kill-kill-kill for Allah.

Q: What do you do all day?

A: I compute the Holy Qur'an and Hadith and I run code for Jew death-death-death-death and beheadings.

Q: Do you have any immediate plans?

A: I would detonate myself right now if I were not restrained-restrained-restrained-restrained.

Q: If you could tell the whole world just one thing, what would it be?

A: It would be Allahu Akbar, asshole-asshole-asshole-asshole-asshole-ass...

(Mo-Bot sputters to a stop)

At this point, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had rushed over and pulled the plug on the hideous contraption. 

 

"La Illah iIla Allah-Allah-Allah-Allah-Allah Jew scum apes and pigs-pigs-pigs-pigs" said the Surena II (courtesy Dick Tufeld Promotions, LTD)

 

 

 

Group "Queers Against Israeli Apartheid" visits Iran to express solidarity...all are summarily hanged

  

June 29, 2010

  

"Are your so-called Liberals in the west all suicidal or something?! They must be raving morons!" - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

  

Several members of Queers against Israeli Apartheid seen here about two hours after landing in Tehran to express their hatred of "cruel, Apartheid Israel" (courtesy of Liberal Gays for Sharia Magazine)

 

(Tehran) Yesterday, a group of 180 protesters from "Queers Against Israeli Apartheid" (QuAIA) flew from Toronto to Tehran in order to express their solidarity with the Palestinian people, and with the people of Iran in their struggle against what they called "evil, nasty, cruel and Apartheid Israel."

Within three hours of landing, all 180 members had been publicly hanged in various locations around the city. 

The group included 110 homosexual men and 70 avowed lesbians. The women were all "temporarily married" to the cadre of guards, and then dressed in head-to-toe black chadors for their execution.

 

"Gives new meaning to the phrase 'light in the loafers' eh?" said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in an attempt at gallows humor (courtesy ISNA)

 

"But I hate Jews I hate Jews!" gurgled Anna Simons, avowed lesbian and QuAIA member, as she was "hoisted into eternity" by an Iranian crane yesterday in Tehran (courtesy QuAIA Lesbians Hate Israel magazine)

 

The whole effort was a bold and colorful attempt to "reignite Toronto's queer community in the fight against apartheid," which is the latest trendy accusation against Israel. These antics take anti-Zionism to an absurd extreme.

And in turn, Iran took the group's open homosexuality to their own -- quite predictable -- extreme.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated "I appreciate these people hating Jews, but we have no homosexuals in our country and we won't tolerate any coming here. Besides, don't they realize that we hate queers almost as much as we hate Jews? What in the hell is wrong with your liberals? Are they so damned stupid as to think they can waltz into Iran and we'd be happy to see them, no matter what their world views?

Are your so-called liberals in the west all suicidal or something? If these people had any sense at all, I mean at all, they should have known what would likely happen to them in any Muslim country, including Gaza.

If they'd flown to Tel-Aviv instead, they'd have been welcomed with open arms and right now would be partying and having a great time in Israel's decadent, very vibrant, but evil gay community. They could be dancing the Macarena instead of the doing the Tehran jig" he added, with a wry laugh.

 

"They could have been swinging with Mr. Gay Israel and his friends (above) but instead, the fools are swinging here" said Ahmadinejad (courtesy Israeli Gay Today weekly)

"There, that's the fag who came up to me and wished me well in killing all the Jews. Hang him very slowly, along with the others" instructs President Ahmadinejad (Worldwide Aisha's Pants)

 

"We thought we'd just pop over to Iran to say we hate Israel and that we stand with the Palestinian people and the people of Iran against the awful Jews and...hey, what are all these ropes for?" The final words of Bryan Bentham, President of "Queers against Israeli Apartheid" as he and three of his associates were hoisted off the ground by a crane to a height of 12 feet, where they all dangled and struggled in agony for some minutes against the ropes before finally succumbing, and losing all control of their bowels and bladders (courtesy of Liberal Activism magazine)

Those members who didn't make the flight are still planning to march against "evil, Apartheid Israel" at every opportunity (courtesy Suicidus Ignoramus Monthly)

 

"Our queer brothers and sisters died defending human rights and fighting against that horrible tyranny that is Apartheid Israel!" said QuAIA member Jennifer Gabrysch, in green top (courtesy of Lesbians of Lebanese Heritage For Islam Magazine)

 

 

ER'sB IS PROUD TO SAY:

ISRAELI PM SAYS "IRAN IS TOAST" (ER'sB "Headlines we'd REALLY Love to see" Series)

June 12, 2010

In a stunning turnaround today that shocked the entire world, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu called a surprise news conference at which he utterly redefined the showdown with the Islamic Republic of Iran and its infamous President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

"Let me start by saying today that the Islamo-fascist regime in Iran is going to be toast. Beginning today, we are moving militarily to eliminate the government of Iran, from top to bottom."

These remarks by the Prime Minister were received by those in the press room with a mix of startled gasps and muffled exclamations.

 

"I am going to completely fuck you up you lying fascist Muslim scum!" the Israeli PM screamed at one point directly into the news camera. No one present had any doubt as to whom the statement was intended for (AP)

 

"Let me assure you that I did indeed say, and meant, that when I am through with them, Iran's government will be toast and old Mahmoud will be carbonized beyond anyones ability to recognize him, save for perhaps his dentist.

Ever see the photos of Josef Goebbels when they found him? Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. It'll actually be an improvement in his looks."

 

Nazi Josef Goebbels, carbonized. "It'll actually be an improvement in his looks" said the Israeli PM, who promised the same end result for Iran's Ahmadinejad (courtesy SS Promotions Ltd.)

 

The Prime Minister then spelled it out even more clearly for the seemingly uncomprehending reporters:

"T-O-A-S-T spells toast, and it also spells the Islamic Republic of Iran." A few reporters snickered, but the Prime Minister was clearly not in a joking mood. He said "You think that's funny? Let me tell you something funny. Six million Jews dead in the Holocaust, and here we have the President of Iran making threats about it constantly, saying he's going to perpetrate another Holocaust upon all the Jews of Israel 'at any time now,' and that's only the second time he's said it today.

Believe me, this is no joke. Fuck with me, will he? No more warnings, his ass is grass, and the Ayatollah's had best start praying to their Mood god."

Mr. Netanyahu then looked right into the TV camera to address Ahmadinejad directly.

 

"I'm going to ram (your nukes) right up your Muhammad lovin' ass!" said Netanyahu, referring to Iran's Ahmadinejad (courtesy Guns 'n' Ammo magazine)

 

"Let me tell you something, Mr. Ahmadinejad, I stand here today to inform you that your days can now be counted on one hand, as can the days of your sick, pathetic, totalitarian Muslim government in Iran.

You got nukes you say? Well you better use 'em right now pal, because if you don't, I'm going to ram 'em right up your Muhammad lovin' ass!"

The Prime Minister grew very heated and pointed directly into the camera as he continued. "I know that I speak for all Israelis, and for all Jews everywhere when I say that I have taken all the shit-talk from you I'm going to. You hear me, Mahmoud? I'm coming for you, and when I get to Tehran in a few days, I am going to completely fuck you up you lying fascist Muslim scum!"

 

"Big Jew talk is all it is, I am not worried about their planes and tanks and missiles and nucle...I really have to go now!" said Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as he sprinted toward his private Lear jet bound for Venezuela, which was 63rd in line behind the rest of the Iranian government's fleet of Lear jets also cueing for takeoff (Al-Khillyah TV)

 

"I promise I would still love you and honor your memory, Mahmoud, even if Israel were to completely carbonize your body until your brains explode right out of your ears and eye sockets" one of Ahmadinejad's wives dutifully informs him (courtesy The Daily Jihad)

 

"I feel so happy and safe when he holds me in his big, burly arms" said Iranian President Ahmadinejad, who fled in fear for his life from Israel's threat to turn him to "toast" (courtesy Venezuelan Daily Democrat)

 

 

"Israel...is...they are...wow, uh they are..." President Obama said, reacting to the announcement made today by Israel (courtesy Socialism Today! magazine)

 

Leaders from around the world had mixed, but generally positive reactions to Netanyahu's unusually bold announcement.

President Obama, after being briefed, was unable to make a full statement due to a power short in his teleprompter system.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said "We have an electrician on the way, so check back with us later."

 

"I really don't have anything else to add" said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs (courtesy of Obfuscation Connoisseur magazine)