November 14, 1937
Editor's Note: The controversy over the proposed Anschluß of Austria and genocide of the Jews of Europe has spurred a wider debate about the nature of Nazism. We asked five leading authors/thinkers to answer the question: What is moderate Nazism?
•Rabbi Mike "Call me Mike" Kapowitz: "Our Tradition of Going Like Sheep"
•William Patrick Hitler: "He's One Bad-Ass Uncle"
•Winston Churchill: "When Are You Idiots Going To Listen To Me?!?"
The Filthy Jüden, the Filthy, Filthy Jüden
By Julius Streicher
Calling Nazism "moderate" is an insult to our ideology. There is no "moderate" Nazism, there is just "Nazism!" As I encourage and note in my fine newspaper, Der Stürmer: Kristallnachts, filthy-Jüden beatings, perpetual pogrommes, the looming Anschluß of Austria, and the Nazi call for all the sub-human filthy Jüden in Europe to be wiped out are all righteously widespread.
But the non-existant "radical fringe" -- in reality just us regular Nazis -- said to be carrying out such actions will, by right, dominate the discourse between our Nazism and everyone else's stupid beliefs. In order to do so, we've set out to foment anti-Americanism and anti-Semitism. We've also advocated the necessary and discriminate violence as our political strategy. To cap our great victory, we rely on the examples set forth in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion as a lesson for the all the enemies of Nazism.
We are the Nazis who go about our lives like ordinary people—painting very creative (filthy) Jüden symbols on loathsome Jüden store windows, beating up those gutter-rats, raising Aryan supermen, celebrating all things Fatherland, and praying for World domination.
We are the mainstream Nazis—again, there is no "moderate" Nazism—whose identities have been swept up by events of our own glorious making. We say there is only one solution: Give Der Führer whatever the hell he wants and kiss his Nazi ass for good measure!
Yet we Nazis must do more than just talk about our great superiority in all things. We must be at the forefront of fighting those who oppose offing the filthy Jüden -- the filthy, filthy Jüden -- or reject our natural right to rule first Austria, and then zie WORLD!!! Heil Hitler!!!!!!
Herr Streicher, publisher of Der Stürmer Newspaper, is the author of the runaway German bestseller "Bullwhips, Jackboots, Chaplin 'Staches & Me" (München Limited Press, 1936).
Der Führer Ist Just Alright With Me
By Putzi Hanfstaengl
Zie form for der appearance of moderation ist a central part of Der Führer's master plan for zie Master Race, und we shall rule!!! You vant me to sprech even more about a "moderate" Nazism? Pahh! There is no such think. Nazism is just Nazism, fool! Let me to say, if you will, that I have know der Führer for many years, und I can tell you zat when it comes to zie dirty Jüden, he shall show no restraint! Und, have no doubt zie Anschluß ist coming too! In short, der Führer ist just alright with me. Heil Hitler!!!!
Herr Hanfstaengl is a German businessman who has worked for both Adolf Hitler and Franklin Roosevelt. He is the author of "The Jews & How to Confiscate All Their Money" (Oxford University Press, 1933).
Our Tradition of Going Like Sheep
By Rabbi Mike "Call me Mike" Kapowitz
I am a moderate and accomodating Jew, yet I don't like being termed a "moderate"—it somehow implies that I am less of a Jew, which I'm not.
We need to try and all get along. Nazis are people too, and we need to keep seeing them like that, and not allow our fears, or their violence against us, to change that view.
We Jews have a longstanding tradition of just going to slaughter like sheep, and since that's our tradition, it's just our tradition. Of course, I don't believe what the Nazi's say about wanting to wipe us off the face of the earth. That would be an impossibly difficult undertaking! The Jews of Europe should just look deep inside themselves and try to understand what it is about them that so raises the ire of the Nazis, and then try to change in order to please them.
And, just for the record, I think the Anschluß of Austria is a wonderful idea if that's what the Nazis want to do.
Rabbi Kapowitz is the author of "It's Probably Our Fault Everyone Hates Us" (Pogromme Publishing, 1930) and co-founder of the Dhimmia Foundation, a Marxist think tank.
He's One Bad-Ass Uncle
By William Patrick Hitler
Moderate schmoderate, who cares? That uncle of mine is one bad-ass relative to have if you want to get laid! The birds just flock around this stud when I mention that der Fürher is actually my uncle! Doesn't matter where I'm drinking to excess; in Berlin, München, Vienna or Liverpool, the fine, fine ladies just can't get enough of this Hitler boy!
Mr. W.P. Hitler is a native of Liverpool, England, and is the author or "Getting Laid is Easy When You're a Fame Whore" (G.A.Bund Publishing, 1937)
When Are You Idiots Going To Listen to Me?!?
By Winston Churchill
When are you idiots going to listen to me?!? I have been exiled, out of government, wandering in the political wilderness, and painting my heart out for nearly a decade now; yet I have still found the time to call out that Nazzi Herr Hitler and his wretched and diseased henchmen of hate, while you have ignored the evil intentions of their wicked and twisted ideology, and their intentions for the free peoples of Europe!!
Herr Hitler is a satanic devil worthy of the pits of hell, and if you want to hope to be saved from the calamitous affliction of Nazzism, then you had best wake up to the contorted designs of the abominable Huns who are licking their chops and sharpening their knives just across the Channel from us.
Mr. Churchill, a former MP, First Lord of the Admiralty, Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Home Secretary, is in full and permanent retirement. He is a prolific writer and speaker who is currently the only voice raising an alarm to what he seems to think is some kind of "serious" threat from Nazi Germany and Nazism in general. He has been regularly accused of rampant "Naziophobia" and bigotry in both his writings and speeches.
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