October 12, 2010
(KABUL) Attempting to make it look somewhat like he's advancing his nation's peace progress with insurgents while boldly stringing the United States along for as long as possible, all in order to save his own neck whilst making his corupt family ever richer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said unofficial negotiations with the Taliban have been taking place and hopes the formation of a peace council will further those efforts.
He made his statements at the same time that he was vacuuming the press room, balancing his personal budget, washing the windows, fixing an electrical outlet, planning a meeting, programming his TIVO, doing a crossword, dictating his memoirs, and doing push ups.
"You see I'm lying, and I'm lying, and I'm all powerful. I can fly. I'm off my meds and I don't give a shit that you know. Now, pay me, pay me, pay me, or kiss your fuel trucks at the border bye bye, okay? Why are you all looking at me like that? Is something wrong?" said Karzai (photo courtesy of Allahu Akbar!!! Media)
"We have been talking to the Taliban as countryman to countryman, talk in that manner. Of course you all know it's bullshit. I can walk through walls, want to see? Actually I don't feel like it right now you goddamned sonofabitch traitors!!! Did you see that picture of cigar guy from Ryder Cup? Wasn't that hilarious? We are Moslems here, the best of peoples. You have no choice but to deal with me. I can swim and breathe under water. So what I'm double dealing with America and the Taliban, I will live forever," Karzai told ER'sB.
"It's not like I have a regular official contact with the Taliban with a fixed address, but rather unofficial personal contacts have been going on for quite some time. What you don't know is that I tell them one thing and the U.S. government something else. I once wrestled a bear, and right now you really have to pay me, or something bad might happen again with your fuel trucks, infidels.
I love everybody in the world!" the Afghan President shouted, before turning and running face first into a concrete wall, knocking himself out.