July 23, 2010
A traditional Islamic man's full-length dress (photo courtesy of al-Killyah TV)
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Friday that Iran would put its first man into a pair of pants by 2019, Iran's English-language Press reported.
In February Iran tested several different kinds of fabrics in order to determine the comfort levels men will require after having spent their entire lives wearing long, flowing, gown (or robe) like dresses. Ahmadinejad said Tehran hoped to put Muslim men into underwear by the end of the decade as well.
Western countries suspect Iran is trying to counter the well-founded impression that a large number of Muslim men are secretly homosexual, cross-dressing, pedophilic sadists, and that this is why the government is attempting to encourage the idea that Muslim men should slip out of their slips, corsets and dresses, and get into a pair of pants, like real men wear.
"I myself love dresses, but to be taken seriously on the world stage, I must insist that we all switch to pants" said President Ahmadinejad (courtesy of the TV Program Shi'ite Tonight!)
The Islamic Repbublic of Iran, the world's largest pain-in-the-ass-terror generator, has always insisted on plain but sexy full-length dresses for its men and dewy boys.
"The tradition began with the Prophet Mohammad at the beginning of Islam" said Ahmadinejad. "Our Prophet enjoyed wearing his wife Aisha's clothing, and so that tradition has come down to us from that time. Today, however, the world is just laughing at us, so we have to get into pants as soon as possible" he said.
Little Muslim boys have always liked wearing dresses: "I feel really pretty, like a western girl" said 7-year old Muhammad (Worldwide Aisha's Pants)
As for underwear, though, Ahmadinejad admitted that would be a very tough sell for Muslim men; much tougher even than convincing them to switch to pants.
"In our Islamic culture men have not traditionally worn underwear. That's because we don't have bathrooms, so we just go wherever we're standing, and underwear would tend to impede the natural fall of the...debris" said Iran's President.
Unfortunately, while there are no Islamic fatwas regarding men and boys wearing dresses, there are fatwas against toilets and other such modern (satanic) plumbing devices. So don't expect to hear anything about bathroom facilities anytime soon from the Islamic Republic of Iran.
Oh, and no toilet paper either.
"That is what the left hand is for, inshallah" Ahmadinejad insisted.
Religiously forbidden by fatwa (PUI)