September 8, 2010
(Mecca) When Abdullah Moazim Muhammad, a goat-herd and part time security guard at Cave Hira near Mecca, awoke early on the morning of August 26th, he never could have imagined that before the day was out, not only would he be the first person to hear the "voice" of the Islamic god Allah in 1,350 years, but he'd also be launched on a Muslim-world wide search for a new prophet, or "little buddy", for the Merciful deity.
Abdullah Moazim Muhammad, the Saudi goatherd to whom Allah the Merciful revealed Himself (photo courtesy of Mecca Media)
"Allah the Merciful told me that the Prophet Mohammad greatly usurped His authority, is getting too much attention, and that He has already sent the former Prophet to spend eternity in Hell.
You will notice," said Moazim Muhammad "that when I spoke the name of the former Prophet Mohammad, that I did not add Peace Be Upon Him. That is because Allah the Merciful told me that it no longer is!"
Moazim Muhammad said that he knows for certain it was really Allah in the cave, because when he told co-workers and friends about the new revelations, they immediately tried to behead him, but were stopped by an "unseen force."
"Allah the Merciful protected me, for their blades all fell to dust, and then they themselves fell to dust!" said the astonished and relieved goatherd.
Today a dumpy tourist-trap, Cave Hira is the place where Allah still apparently hangs out, looking for an honest friend (Here-ah Cave Hira! Promotions)
In addition to instructing Moazim Muhammad to find Him a worthy new friend, companion, and potential new "Prophet", the Merciful desert God also sent down some updated and revised verses for the Holy Qur'an, effective immediately:
3:118 O ye who believe!Take not into your intimacy those outside your ranks: They will not fail to corrupt you. They only desire your ruin: Rank hatred has already appeared from their mouths: What their hearts conceal is far worse. We have made plain to you the Signs, if ye have wisdom. Take not into your intimacy girls below the age of 18; otherwise modern authorities will imprison you, and rightly so. Be not so belligerent toward unbelievers, for they are just that: unbelievers. Instead, preach to them My word and convince them of the righteousness of My message until they become believers, but if they do not, leave them in peace, not in pieces.
4.14. But those who disobey Allah and His Messenger and transgress His limits will be admitted to a Fire gently reinstructed as to the ways originally intended for all Muslims, and given a quiet, peaceful place to abide therein: And they shall have a humiliating punishment. chance to understand that My message was royally fucked up by that miserable lout whom I called "friend" but who only betrayed Me and usurped My authority.
4.115. If anyone contends with the Messenger even after guidance has been plainly conveyed to him, and follows a path other than that becoming to men of Faith, We shall leave him in the path he has chosen, and land him in Hell,- what an evil refuge! If anyone further adheres to the instructions of the former "Messenger," he shall truly land in Hell, an evil refuge that is now the permanent home of said former "Messenger".
5.33. The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His Messenger, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is: execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Hereafter; no punishment at all; instead it shall be love and brotherhood; as the former "Prophet" so twisted what I said for his own purposes, when My true message is known to all of mankind, there will be no reason for any of our brothers (Jews, Christians, Hindus, athiests, and all others) to want to wage war against Me or strive for mischief in the land, which belongs to all of My creations on the planet.
Moazim Muhammad said that Allah told him He's working on revising the entire Qur'an, but since it was so corrupted by the former Prophet Mohammad, it may take Him some time to fix everything. In the meantime, the Hadith are to be ignored completely, and if any Muslim fails to obey His new divine instructions, they will get to spend a lot of quality time with the fomer Prophet in his new abode.
Also, according to Moazim Muhammad, Allah wanted him to relay a message to Terry Jones, the preacher in Florida who is planning to burn Qur'ans.
"Allah the Merciful sends a message of love to His creations in America, and says to go ahead and burn them, as any Qur'an in existence to this point is nothing but a blasphemous collection of dirty, corrupted lies."