August 18, 2010
(Westminster) In the years since the multi-cultural revolution took place in Britain, it has been the practice of Her Majesty's Government to do everything possible to avoid offending anyone, at any time, in any place, over anything. To achieve this goal, euphemisms have become the standard of the day.
"I say old man, by not referring to horrid people as what they actually are, especially the Muzzies, we have achieved peace and harmony in our lovely multi-cultural society" explained U.K. Immigration Minister Sir Lord Charles Monteforte-Stanley Hee Hee.
However, this practice has instead caused great confusion and consternation in some parts of the country, most notably in the actual Asian communities in and around London.
"I say old man" said Sir Lord Charles Monteforte-Stanley Hee Hee, U.K. Immigration Minister (photo courtesy of Prince Albert in a Can-Can)
It was revealed to ER'sB recently that actual Asians, of the traditional Asian persuasion, have been protesting to the Government about the rampant confusion over their identity and intentions in the community.
Mr. Wok Chan of Soho explains "I work hard and make honest living, but tourists afraid to patronize store for fear of jihad, and I no do jihad! I am Buddhist for Chrissake, and my wife no wear burqa!"
"I no do jihad!" insists Mr. Wok Chan, seen here with his wife at their Wimbledon home. (photo courtesy of The Muslim Guardian)
But Mr. Chan is by no means alone.
Isuzu "Toyota" Kawasaki, an Oxford Street tea and coffee merchant, said that since the multi-cultural revolution, his business has been down and he's considering relocating to Whitechapel in East London, a predominantly Muslim enclave.
"I may as well move over there because every day someone comes in and asks me if we're really trying to take over Britain, if we want a Caliphate, if I'm offended by pork, and just yesterday a lady asked if I'd really cut her head off if she drew Mohammad, can you believe that? I've about had it. I'm 78 years old, I survived the fire-bombing of Tokyo during the war, and now people assume that because I'm Asian I must be Muslim, when most Muslims aren't even Asians!"
In London's East End, Whitechapel, a group of Muslims "Asians" gather for a convention on violent Jihad "Peace & Love" (courtesy of UKisGettingSharia.gov)
Mr. Kawasaki continued. "In this PC age they call them Asian in order to avoid calling them Muslim, I guess because it offends some to be called Muslim when they can assume some other identity in order to avoid terror surveillance or whatever" said the talkative coffee seller.
"I can't seem to get away from that label so if a change of euphemism can't be found for them I might as well set up shop in the East End because business sucks over here these days. People are afraid I'm going to wage some kind of Holy War, and there are about a million Pakis to sell my tea and coffee to in Whitechapel. Surely I won't get as many damned questions about Allah" he added.
"A lady asked if I'd really cut her head off if she drew Mohammad, can you believe that?" said Isuzu "Toyota" Kawasaki, an Oxford Street merchant (Islam4UK Media)
Immigration Minister Lord Hee Hee said that his office takes the complaints seriously. "I said to the old man, Kawasaki, why not talk to your people and see what arrangement can be made. I suggested that we just call the Orientals 'gooks' and leave the 'Asian' label to the Mohammadans, but the old fellow became upset, so I realized that we have to do something else. Yes, indeed."
That's when the idea to ask the public for suggestions came about.
"The first day we had it in the The Illustrated London News the response was overwhelming. I've never seen so many bomb threats and vows to behead anyone who messed with the Mahoundians over this" he said. "But they're just a little prickly because someone has questioned changing their euphemism, and Her Majesty's Government is quite sensitive to that kind of overt racism."
"Just a little bit prickly." Muslim Asian men threatening promising mass murder harmony and unity (courtesy Allahu Akbar!!! Magazine)
"It's true that several dozen young Christian girls have been gang-raped and a Synagogue full of Jews were put in hospital, but all in all the reaction has been very mild and acceptable. Really just like a stroll in the park on a Sunday afternoon" he added.
"We are still seeking suggestions of the non-exploding variety, though, and if your readers have ideas for a new euphemism for our Muselmen that they'd like to share, please tell them to let us know, will you? Cheerio!"
Lord Hee Hee then turned on his heel and, with his walking cane by his side, quickly strolled out of view into the early morning London fog.