(ER'sB will be featuring three "diary excerpts" per installment from the runaway Bestseller "The Imam Ralph Diaries")
12 November, 1430 AH
That ungrateful, intransigent waiter has again set upon a course to test my patience. He is acting as if he is the "owner" of our victory mosque site. The insufferable, ignorant douchebag has another think coming if he believes that he would be anything at all, short of a fry cook at Applebees, without having had the help of H.E. and myself. On other matters, video of me "praying" over the Qur'an was shot today as part of our da'wa/propaganda campaign in preparation for the resistance we anticipate, and I must say that I was able to make myself appear so devout and harmless in it! Imagine me, as a holy man! I appear resplendent in white, on my knees praying and just oozing piety! Fatima my secretary told me how handsome I looked, and so I took the whore right where she stood. She was not wearing so much as a hijab today, so of course she was asking for it, inshallah. And naturally, He was!
13 November, 1430
Spoke with the dear Prince this morning and he assured me that a prominent da'wa segment, sometime in December on FOX, will be no problem at all. The cow thinks she's the best one to handle it and I will consider allowing her to be the "face" of our stealth maneuvers, at least initially. The dhimma-like Americans seem to have something of a soft spot for women, so sending her in to "strike a treaty" with the infidels while we plan our clandestine offensive may indeed be prudent. On another front, Nicholas from Hunk-O-Mania called today to confirm our party for next week, and I informed him that while that very ripped dancer, Teddy, is indeed extremely cute, the fact that he insists the Muslim world did not contribute significantly to the Aerospace industry will, necessarily, preclude him from my affections this time around. I believe I have learned my lesson: one must never attempt to argue on a religious supremacist level with meat, no matter how attractive, beguiling, or irresistible that meat may be. I also think Fatima is jealous of my other passions, but as I have told her, the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) himself was well known for occasionally enjoying a piece, not only upon him, but within him him as well, and I will continue to also, inshallah.
15 November, 1430 AH
I swear to Allah if that insufferable, cretinous waiter does not mend his ways he will find himself in very unpleasant circumstances! H.E. insists that we must keep him on due to that one crucial connection of his, but nevertheless my patience is truly wearing very, very thin. Fortunately I have Fatima, my right hand possession, to help me relieve the terrible stress. Actually, that black eye of hers is not entirely unattractive, and the cast on her arm does, indeed, make her quite alluring.