Last updated at 12:59 PM on 20th August 1431 AH
The Lockerbie bomber could die as recently as 587 years ago, it has been claimed by devoutly religious Islamic medical experts and U.K. Immigration/Special Affairs Minister Sir Lord Charles Monteforte-Stanley Hee Hee, who made the following statement on behalf of the government:
"If my calculations are correct, 578 years from now, Ali Al Megrahi will be released from prison by the Scottish government with the tacit approval of Whitehall, after being given just three months to live. The Libyans will celebrate the 577th anniversary of the 637-year-old’s release 577 years from today, and the reaction in the West will still be negative, but manageable.
I say old boy, this Asian calender can be a righ handy thing indeed!" he added.
A reporter then asked why he was using the "Asian" (British euphemism for Muslim) calendar?
"In order to not offend anyone! Plus we have to be concerned about the concerns of our energy partners. Plus, we don't want to get blown up, do we?!"
Megrahi is anxiously looking forward to his release in little more than half a millenia (AFP/Getty Images)
Lord Hee Hee then haughtily continued with his declaration:
"Now where was I? Ahhh yes, here we are. In addition, after having spoken to Islamic medical sources in Tripoli, I have calculated that Mr. Megrahi could very well die painfully barely 100 years after the Black Death ravages Europe in the 14th Century, if that's any consolation to you, but I don't expect that it will be considering how uptight everyone seems to be about this whole, shall we say, sordid affair?"
He then turned on his heel and, with his walking cane by his side, strolled quickly back into the busy corridors of Whitehall.
"I say old boy" said Lord Hee Hee, acting as Special Affairs Minister for the U.K. (photo courtesy of Prince Albert in a Can-Can)