March 9, 1945
(Berlin, Germany) Emotions were running high today as Nazi Germany buried nine of its citizens, killed in an unprovoked raid by vicious American soldiers. According to a spokesman at the Reich Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda in Berlin, "zose vonderful young men who vere so ruthlessly slaughtered by zee Americans" were part of a community organization dedicated to "keeping zee Ludendorff Bridge safe for Germans."
A spokesman for the United States Military High Command has stated that there is no need whatsoever for an international inquiry into the deadly incident, as it was just part of "the normal course of fighting this war, for Chrissake!"
German citizens photographed on their way to the "Keep Zee Bridge Safe Day" (courtesy of NSDAP Media, LLC)
The League of Nations, useless since its inception in 1919, voted earlier to set up an investigation despite the flabbergasted protests of top U.S. military officials.
General Dwight D. Eisenhower, Supreme Allied Commander, said "that bridge is worth its weight in gold, and we had no choice but to kill those damned krauts who were defending it." He argued that the Germans had been aiming not to keep the bridge safe for other Germans, but to prevent Allied soldiers from crossing the Rhine into Germany.
The "Ludendorff Bridge" in Remagen (file)
"It is the Allies duty to prevent the Germans from blowing up or otherwise disabling these bridges, so as to prevent Americans from finally entering Germany," he said.
In a fiery speech at Berlin's Templehof Airport, German Chancellor Adolf Hitler accused America of "piracy, barbarism and oppression." Crowds of people, most wearing swastika armbands, gathered in the city to meet the coffins, which were swathed in Nazi swastika flags. "Zees actions are simply evil, imperialistic transgressions," said Mr. Hitler, as he climbed into a Stuka dive bomber on his way to a Community Outreach Event with British, French and Canadian citizens somewhere inland from the coast of Normandy.
The funerals took place in a virulently Nazi part of the city, and emotions were running high according to Walter Duranty, who is no longer a reporter for the New York Times, and wasn't even there.
German post-mortem examinations found all nine of the dead had been shot, some at close range. General Eisenhower, when asked about the cause of death findings, said "what the hell are you talking about?! This is a war, sir! We Allies are going to kill as many Germans as we can in order to win the war!"
Outraged German Chancellor Adolf Hitler (courtesy of Eva)
The Remagen Bridge victims, along side other similar victims murdered by American soldiers in the course of their "evil imperialistic transgressions" (LIFE)
When asked, British Union of Fascists (BUF) Party founder and Nazi sympathizer, Oswald Mosley, said from his dungeon-like prison cell "I couldn't even imagine the number of Americans who were on that bridge, and I'm sure they were only there to kill innocent Germans!"
BUF Founder and Nazi-lover Sir Oswald Mosley (thanks to Diana Guinness)
"It must have been just bristling with evil Americans and their Allied supporters. This massacre is just horrific!!" shouted Mr. Mosely, before quietly asking this reporter if I happened to have any extra cigarettes or chocolate bars I could spare?
When informed that the investigation into the massacre of the Germans at Remagen would indeed continue, General Eisenhower shook his head and looked around at everyone as if they had gone completely mad. When pressed for comment, he just scowled ferociously, and then stormed out of the room.
Supreme Allied Commander General Eisenhower (courtesy K. Summersby)